No, Jason, I am not right

One of the fun things about Hoosier Beer Geek is slowly revealing my true personality to people who are now affiliated with me in ways they cannot easily dissolve.

I'm kidding. But I realize that not everyone is going to find an email with the subject "Fun with the AIDS virus" as entertaining as I do. And jokes about the catholic church and religious holidays can easily be taken a bit too far - in my defense, I grew up in the catholic church - when I suggest that I won't be available for a weekend get together because of the catholic holiday "where we chose our young boys for the upcoming year".

I know some of my fellow HBG's weren't readers when I went on this rant back in 05 (I'm better now, thanks).

And what about this news story from ridehorsey of old?

Trenton, IL - The Shutttz family was woke by a strange sort of muttering that only grew louder and louder, they say.

"Those people that moved in next door always seemed so nice. But when he started coming outside in his underwear, with two hedgehogs held over his nipples, I thought it was a little strange," said Don Shutttz. "But then again, we eat dog biscuits."

The muttering was coming from the house next door, from the same strange man, in the same strange underwear/hedgehog attire.

"He had the prettiest smile on his face," said Pena Shuttz. "So innocent and childlike. Like a baby bird's smile."

Not normal.

But nothing really tops this old page, in which I reviewed all sorts of things - sort of a warm up for Hoosier Beer Geek, I now realize. Though I suspect if my fellow beer geeks had read my reviews back then, I may not be reviewing beer with them now. Why? Because I reviewed strange things, like kicking babies:

Disclaimer: When I write something like this, I'm picturing everything as a cartoon. So picture cartoon babies.

Kicking Babies

When you tell people you're into kicking babies, alot of the time they get all offended and say things like "My word! You are a horrible man!" but the truth is that if they had kicked a baby themselves, they'd know true joy.

I started kicking babies as a hobby in gradeschool. My parents helped me along the way by buying me special baby kicking shoes and a shirt that said "#1 Baby Kicker". I think it was awfully nice of them to support my dreams.

As I matured into the professional baby kicker I am today, I've often taken the time to think back to those early days, when my technique was lacking (for example, I always used the outside of my foot, with made the babies fly off with a certain sideways arc, which was horrible on my ability to kick a baby at a predetermined target). If there's one thing baby kicking has taught me, it's that if you work hard to accomplish your dreams (spending as much as 10 hours a day kicking babies of all sizes and shapes), things CAN HAPPEN. Great things.

I'd have to say that being known as the world's formost expert on baby kicking comes with it's rewards. Often when I am out of town on a baby kicking exhibition people will come up to me and offer to buy me lunch. They say things like "I've always admired your work, but I was always afraid to try it myself." To these people I say: It's never too late for anything. Baby kicking is a learned skill, and just because you're older doesn't mean that you can't become proficient. I'm still not at the level of baby kicking I'd like to be, but I know that if I continue to work at it, I can reach my goals.

And I've found out that I've inspired many young people. Because I do alot of my baby kicking exhibitions at hospitals, I often run into unfortunate or ill children who just need someone to help them through their day. Many of these children have spent their whole lives near the hospital, being that I kicked them at an early age and they still need medical attention. One boy, Robbie, who I made severly retarded, came up to me and said "Banana Yellow". I quickly corrected him and said "Robbie, bananas can also be green. You're retarded." I know these words of wisdom were just what Robbie needed.

All in all, Baby kicking has been a rewarding experience. I wouldn't trade the minutes and hours of joy it has given me for anything.

OBVIOUSLY THIS IS A JOKE. IF YOU TAKE OFFENSE, THEN I WONDER WHAT YOU'RE DOING AT MY WEBSITE. YOU SHOULD BE OUT KICKING BABIES.

SO.... yeah. I still think the kicking babies thing is funny. Sorry, can't help it.

Reaching Out.. Touching You... Touching MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Hey there Illinois. I know some of you may not be visiting Hoosier Beer Geek regularly, but seeing as that Gina and I both write there now, you have no excuse. Unless you hate everything good in life. This beer thing isn't going away, you're just going to have to keep suffering through whatever we bring home until we're all dead. So you might as well learn up. It only takes like a month to be able to pretend you know what you're talking about anyway.

Other than that, you're all crazy for having children.

Love,

Mike

WRAPUP

You might be wondering what's been happening in the world of Real Salt Lake... well, they haven't won yet, despite firing Steve (SO THAT'S WHAT THAT GETS YOU, YOU DUMB BITCHES), and today they traded Chris Klein, which really means nothing to me since I don't suspect they're ever going to win again. It's like the Cubs goat curse, except with Steve instead. So what I'm saying is STEVE = GOAT. In more ways than one.

Hi Steve.

I guess the trade will be good for the team, except rumors have one of the players coming to Salt Lake going over to Europe, so.. WHOOP-DEE-DOO.

I still watch the games, in a bemused state, while drinking beer and reading from the pile of magazines that gather on my living room table, threatening to grow ever larger, and then eat me.

* * * * *

The Hoosier Beer Geeks were featured in INtake today, and there's a picture featuring Gina and I, and our names were never mentioned. That's fine by me, though it seems sort of strange.

The cycling jersey article, which I linked over at bikeforums.net, caused a 700% increase in site traffic Tuesday. My head is swelling.

* * * * *

Yesterday I spent $300 on my current bicycle, including $85 pedals and a $150 seat. That's right, my seat cost more than your bicycle, probably. But it's white. And it doesn't make my junk numb, which was starting to be an issue with my old seat. You wanted to know about that.

* * * * *

The national team plays Canada tonight, on Fox Soccer Channel, which is no place for a national team game. That should be on ESPN2, at least. Canada might be tough this year? I know, seems funny.

bike/beer article at hoosier beer geek

Hey!

I put in a lot of work on an article at hoosier beer geek about bike/beer jerseys... check it out when you get the chance.

blurry

Back from Cincy, here's the haul.

Read all about it at Hoosier Beer Geek.

from the pages of hoosier beer geek

Last night Jason played a fantastically wonderful trick on us by pouring 5 different red ales into plastic cups, thus instituting a blind red ale taste test. The idea was that we'd try the 5 before moving on to our review of Fat Tire.

Those of you who travel with me, and perhaps those of you who don't, know that Fat Tire is a staple vacation beer - something we've always looked forward to after a day's hike, or by the campfire...

Anyway, 5 samples of beer first, right? Here are my notes:

A: Sweet nose, dry, hoppy but not overwhelming. -1
B: A little darker than the first, vinegar nose, sulfur taste -2
C: Same look, diaper nose, can't believe they're selling this to people -3
D: Really dark, some lacing on the glass, sugary nose, peanut butter scents. More peanut butter in the taste, not as sugary as the nose would suggest (which is a good thing). This is a winner. + 2
E: Strawberry + medicine + organic strawberry toaster pastry nose, lighter, not offensive, but not good either. medicine taste. + 0

The beer were then ranked:
1) D - This was revealed to be Fort Collins Retro Red - A fantastic beer, get some.
2) E - Barrelhouse Red Leg - I've had this on tap and it was better
3) A - Bell's Amber - New to me. Eh.
4) B - Breckenridge Avalanche - I've recently been in an email conversation with this brewery... I hate to say I didn't like the beer, which is their most popular product.
5) C - Fat Tire - FAT TIRE!?!?

See how he snuck that Fat Tire in there? To put it lightly, I was completely blown away with my dislike of the Fat Tire.. I mean, I've got a Fat Tire cycling jersey - that's how much I thought I liked it.

We're not running our reviews, because we're afraid we got a bad (or skunked) batch of Fat Tire - I've got to bring some back from St. Louis at the end of the month to test the theory. I've heard that New Belgium's other beers are better, so I'm going to bring some of them, too. Should be interesting...

MLS ACTION: IT'S.... Ok if you know what to watch for.

Gina and I just got back from a trip up to Chicago for a MLS game between your RSL Tiemasters versus The Chicago Smolder.

Despite the zero zero score, I had a good time. Toyota Park, Chicago's purpose built MLS stadium, is a fantastic facility - a facility that doesn't sell Fire merchandise, somehow, but a fantastic facility nonetheless.

It's true - I walked around the entire building looking to buy something to commemorate my trip up for the game, and found not one merch booth. I'm not sure why... maybe they're waiting until the team starts winning again. I don't know.

While we were up in Chicago we took the opportunity to drive around downtown with the top down on the mx-5. All you really need for a good time is a big city and a convertible.

Tomorrow the HBG's are meeting with a staffer from InTake (one of Indy's entertainment papers, kinda like St. Louis' Get Out in that it's put together by the big local paper, the Indy Star...) to discuss summer beers. I think. Should be fun.

I cut my hair. What else...

Mowed my lawn. Saw some frogs in the yard.

The Color Purple is on Oprah's channel right now. I feel like Danny Glover.

I'M A WALKING LIGHTNING

Hey kids. I've just completely revamped the design over at Hoosier Beer Geek, and it's really quite possibly some of my best work. Maybe. Anyway, check it out. I'll give you a hug.

new post at hoosierbeergeek

You had better believe that I found the word Bewailment at Dictionary.com.

This way to the review...

I'm like a pro drinker now

I'd like to turn your attention to Hoosier Beer Geek once again, where I've written another review of beer.

I have no idea what I'm doing, but it's always a good time.

"Research"

Found this when doing a little research for my beer review at HBG. Funny enough.



This one I'm not so sold on.

My thanks go out to Chris, Jason, and Jim of Hoosier Beer Geek for a nice evening of conversation and consumption. If they'll have me, I hope to make it a regular event.

Gina sends her thanks as well.