No, Jason, I am not right

One of the fun things about Hoosier Beer Geek is slowly revealing my true personality to people who are now affiliated with me in ways they cannot easily dissolve.

I'm kidding. But I realize that not everyone is going to find an email with the subject "Fun with the AIDS virus" as entertaining as I do. And jokes about the catholic church and religious holidays can easily be taken a bit too far - in my defense, I grew up in the catholic church - when I suggest that I won't be available for a weekend get together because of the catholic holiday "where we chose our young boys for the upcoming year".

I know some of my fellow HBG's weren't readers when I went on this rant back in 05 (I'm better now, thanks).

And what about this news story from ridehorsey of old?

Trenton, IL - The Shutttz family was woke by a strange sort of muttering that only grew louder and louder, they say.

"Those people that moved in next door always seemed so nice. But when he started coming outside in his underwear, with two hedgehogs held over his nipples, I thought it was a little strange," said Don Shutttz. "But then again, we eat dog biscuits."

The muttering was coming from the house next door, from the same strange man, in the same strange underwear/hedgehog attire.

"He had the prettiest smile on his face," said Pena Shuttz. "So innocent and childlike. Like a baby bird's smile."

Not normal.

But nothing really tops this old page, in which I reviewed all sorts of things - sort of a warm up for Hoosier Beer Geek, I now realize. Though I suspect if my fellow beer geeks had read my reviews back then, I may not be reviewing beer with them now. Why? Because I reviewed strange things, like kicking babies:

Disclaimer: When I write something like this, I'm picturing everything as a cartoon. So picture cartoon babies.

Kicking Babies

When you tell people you're into kicking babies, alot of the time they get all offended and say things like "My word! You are a horrible man!" but the truth is that if they had kicked a baby themselves, they'd know true joy.

I started kicking babies as a hobby in gradeschool. My parents helped me along the way by buying me special baby kicking shoes and a shirt that said "#1 Baby Kicker". I think it was awfully nice of them to support my dreams.

As I matured into the professional baby kicker I am today, I've often taken the time to think back to those early days, when my technique was lacking (for example, I always used the outside of my foot, with made the babies fly off with a certain sideways arc, which was horrible on my ability to kick a baby at a predetermined target). If there's one thing baby kicking has taught me, it's that if you work hard to accomplish your dreams (spending as much as 10 hours a day kicking babies of all sizes and shapes), things CAN HAPPEN. Great things.

I'd have to say that being known as the world's formost expert on baby kicking comes with it's rewards. Often when I am out of town on a baby kicking exhibition people will come up to me and offer to buy me lunch. They say things like "I've always admired your work, but I was always afraid to try it myself." To these people I say: It's never too late for anything. Baby kicking is a learned skill, and just because you're older doesn't mean that you can't become proficient. I'm still not at the level of baby kicking I'd like to be, but I know that if I continue to work at it, I can reach my goals.

And I've found out that I've inspired many young people. Because I do alot of my baby kicking exhibitions at hospitals, I often run into unfortunate or ill children who just need someone to help them through their day. Many of these children have spent their whole lives near the hospital, being that I kicked them at an early age and they still need medical attention. One boy, Robbie, who I made severly retarded, came up to me and said "Banana Yellow". I quickly corrected him and said "Robbie, bananas can also be green. You're retarded." I know these words of wisdom were just what Robbie needed.

All in all, Baby kicking has been a rewarding experience. I wouldn't trade the minutes and hours of joy it has given me for anything.

OBVIOUSLY THIS IS A JOKE. IF YOU TAKE OFFENSE, THEN I WONDER WHAT YOU'RE DOING AT MY WEBSITE. YOU SHOULD BE OUT KICKING BABIES.

SO.... yeah. I still think the kicking babies thing is funny. Sorry, can't help it.

David Beckham will not be appearing tonight

This is how I've spent the last half hour.

I tried to bike to work this morning. I got up at like 5 am, showered, dressed, ate, went out to the garage, moved the lights from my fixiebike, started to air up tires and.. I had a rear flat. Odd. I just refilled the tire, thinking maybe I had left the valve open. Got on the bike, went 100 yards... lightning. Whatever. A quarter mile later the tire was flat again, I started to turn the bike around and about lost it, clipped into pedals with the rear tire sliding sideways.

Back to the garage to changed the tube. Got the wheel off, more lightning, now thunder, more lightning... I guess I'm not riding to work.

Luckily I had gotten up so early that I could just go take another shower and redress and go to work. Which I did.

And then I started doing that.

your measurements and results

If you're like me, you're wondering what I've been listening to lately. You might say "Me, what are you listening to?" and then you'd reply and say something like this.

"Mastadon. I'm listening to Mastadon's Blood Mountain album. It's a flashback to the days when all I listened to were Megadeth and Metallica and Sepultura and Testament and 100 other bands that are slightly embarrassing in hindsight. But I like Mastadon, it sort of makes my head swim, especially after Hoosier Beer Geek outings."

"Anything else?" you'd ask yourself.

"Oh, I guess the new Queens of the Stone Age. I don't think it's that good, really, but it's got a couple standouts."

"That's it?"

"Well, I downloaded bought a bunch of albums on Pitchfork's recommended list, but nothing is standing out... wait... I'm listening to The Pony's 'Turn the Lights Out'. It reminds me of California and summer and it's probably one of those albums that I'll think is fantastic for about a month or two and then never listen to again. Or maybe not. So... The Ponys. And the new Frank Black album, Bluefinger, is the best thing he's done in forever. And I say that as a bonafide Frank Black fan - I'd rather listen to him than the Pixies. Did I ever tell you about the time I saw Frank Black in St. Louis? Second best show I ever saw. Behind Radiohead on the OK Computer tour, in a club. I like Radiohead most, maybe you didn't know that. Of course you know that, you're me. Duh."

"Ok, so you're crazy, right?"

"Only if I answer myself."

"Oh... good."

"I just want to point out that the Bjork album is horrible. She used to be so good... and then.. I dunno. And there's this Peter Bjorn and John song, 'Up Against the Wall', that's really good. And I'm really over Spoon. Blah."

"Anything else?"

"No. I just looked through my 'My Music' directory to be sure."

I'm bike commuting again

Today marks the second day this year that I've been fortunate enough to be able to make the 11.5 mile trek (roughly 40 minutes) to work by bicycle. One of the nice things about traveling by bike is that you notice things a little more.

One such example would be the amount of In God We Trust license plates on the road. Haven't these things only been out like a month? I'm pretty sure they're now ranking second only to the regular Indiana license plate as far as popularity goes. THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU to buy license plates, I guess. Quite frankly, it scares the bejesus out of me.

The other thing that I've noticed is that riding a bike on the city streets on a Sunday afternoon when there's basically no traffic is something that everyone should have the opportunity to enjoy... it's just an amazing way to see the city; the whole thing just opens up and it's all yours. Let's get working on banning cars downtown on Sundays. As the first policy in my Mayoral candidacy...

*I highly recommend clicking on that bejesus link. then again, i'm pretty juvenile.