man, you've got mental problems

I'm currently having an email discussion with a friend in Chicago (codename: D) about a regularly occurring phenomenon in my (and her husband's) life: the inability to purchase underwear. Here is a recap of my inner dialog, taken from an incident that took place last night while shopping at Wal-Mart:

"wait these are $10. how come. oh there's five of them. this is three for $6. wait maybe i don't want white. I want gray. they don't have gray in a three pack. grey is a two pack. wait, it comes with black. i don't want black. oh there's gray over here. those are $5 each. that's too much. this is two for $6. maybe i should just get the white. $10 is too much. but it's five. wait, i don't even want one white t-shirt. i want gray. i don't need five white t-shirts. but three is $6. these are nine. what brand is this? wait. i should get these. i need to leave."

"oh i could use pajama pants. i don't want that material that gets all the static. wait i have a 33 inch waist but the top goes to 38-40. that's gonna be uncomfortable. oh whatever. what color do i want. wait maybe i should just get the pants big. what material is this? why is that old woman behind me hyperventilating? oh i don't want blue. i don't like this green. wait these are $12 and i need t-shirts."

The only way I can alleviate the pressure of buying underwear is to not buy any; after a 5-10 minute inner conversation I'll ask Gina to help me leave the underwear section.

Is it a male-only problem? D says that it works exactly the same way with her husband, and that "needless to say, it drives me up the fucking wall."

My question is this: Does this happen to you? Does it happen to someone you know?

damn you, internet

As you may have gathered from reading my blog in the past, I'm not exactly the busiest person. This leads to a lot of internet surfing, and a lot of messageboard browsing.

That shouldn't be a problem, except the more messageboard browsing I do, the more money I spend on things I never would have known about had I just found something better to do with my time.

For example, yesterday on bikeforums.net, I came across this thread , where I learned that Lance Armstrong and Team Discovery website The Paceline were having a sale on cycling gear. Normally, I'm not the type of person who rides in a professional cycling team kit; It's sort of laughable, like putting on a full Indiana Pacers team uniform to play pickup basketball. There are advantages to wearing what the pros wear in cycling equipment; you're sure that the clothing will be comfortable and breathable, because these guys put more miles in than anyone.

In any case, suddenly I decided that I needed a full Team Discovery kit. And the reasoning is this: 1) the bibshorts, which go for $200 at Trek's online store, were selling for $45. The jersey was $40, normally $99. 2) If you're going to root for a professional cycling team, you might as well root for the America based cycling team, right? 3) I was in need of new shorts anyway. And I might as well have the jersey to match. 4) It's Christmas time, and I deserve to spend a ton of money on myself. I guess.

The other thing I realized was that to the average person driving in their car while I'm biking by, I look like a dork anyway, regardless of what sort of cycling gear I'm wearing. One of the main reasons to wear the ridiculous clothing is to get noticed (and not run over), and my new kit should do a hell of a job there. I'm a rolling billboard for a television channel, AMD processors, some flooring company, Nike, Subaru... in fact, my ass will read "Discovery Channel".

I think that might be some sort of pun.

Of course all this could have been avoided if the internet wasn't my own "discovery channel" - discovering ways to throw money out the window.

costume shopping

I spent a decent amount of my Saturday in the various department stores of St. Clair Square in beautiful and completely covered in ice Fairview Heights, IL. I was shopping for a suit, not because I need a suit, but because I read fashion magazine and they've taken over my brain. And because it's always good to have a suit.

I was looking for a navy suit, in a fit similar to a coat I purchased at Circle City Mall's H&M store earlier this year. I had done my required reading (an article from GQ on how to buy a suit), I knew the fit I was after, I had my color chosen... simple enough, right?

No, not really. Three stores later (Macy's, Dillards, Men's Warehouse) I was still without a suit.

My thinking is that the suit has to be the most wonderful looking piece of clothing I've ever owned, or there's a real good chance I'll never wear it. And then why would I bother spending the money (which happens to belong to my mother, actually. It's a Christmas gift)?

Anyway, I'll be in Greenwood this evening, trying on suits.

* * * * *

When it gets cold I suddenly feel the need to listen to Sufjan Stevens.

* * * * *

I've been thinking of various ways to improve myself, and here are some things I've considered:

This may look like a resolutions list, but it isn't, because resolution are meant to be kept. I'm just sort of daydreaming.

1) Never be mean. This one is going to take some work.

2) Take some classes at IUPUI. I can't speak any foreign languages, so that would be a good place to start. Single classes are surprisingly affordable. After I've mastered Spanish (In just 3 simple to complete classes!) I'm considering photography courses. I like photos. I just don't have a functioning camera currently.

3) Take up rock climbing. According to my good friend Dave, this is the most difficult thing ever. I'm 20 pounds overweight, sounds perfect. This is probably on hold for a while, I'm currently getting fleeced by the ongoing costs of my soccer league. No one's fault except the 10 people who said they wanted to play and then decided not to pay or show up.

4) Take a cooking class or ten. While this won't help my rock climbing, food is something I really enjoy and I think I'm fairly ok with. But wouldn't it be better to be spectacular? Anyone know anything about some locally available cooking classes? Suggestions?

5) Bike commute to work more often. Which conflicts with...

6) Stop spending so much money on bicycles.

7) Just get out more. I'm in a position where I can afford to not sit around the house, so why don't I take advantage of it? I can complain that the city is boring forever, but if I never actually do anything, then it's probably me that's boring.

YES. SO.

8) Stop writing about myself.