so i'm 27, and when i go home (illinois home), i round up my friends and attempt to have a nice time. i get the feeling that folks don't hang out much anymore. jim's got a kid, nate's moving to trenton, dave is.. i dunno.. dave is having weird sex, brent is... i don't talk to brent enough. so yeah. maybe this is what almost thirty is about. or maybe i'm just boring.
SECRET monkeys in the night −
hear them calling coocaala! coocaala! the monkeys are calling to me coocaala! coocaala! i sit in my treehouse and return their calls wikkee wikkee! wikkee wikkee! come visit me my monkey friends! then the treehouse burns down and i got a sunburn on my nose. lotsa peeling. (what?)
boop schoop doobity doo −
it's been a while... 1. first off, a pipe above our kitchen/oven area began to leak. water came through the lighting. interesting. fortunately, the house is under a ten year warranty. so they came out to fix the problem and found a pipe with a hole in it. nice. anyway, there are now holes in the kitchen ceiling, which the cat found very interesting. she decided to start climbing on the countertops (which she did at the apartment, but has never done at the house), jump on the fridge, on to the top of the cabinets, and suddenly she had her head in our ceiling. so we set up an obsticle (sp?) course and filled the holes with boxes and now she can't get up there. 2. planted grass in the back yard. we are now done planting grass for the season. hope it turns out ok. 3. saw "kill bill 1" this weekend. bloodiest movie ever. awesome. working on redoing the website at work. i'm bored with it. word up. nate gets married friday. talked to him saturday and he said "i'm gonna be married in a week. weird." weird indeed, nate.
maybe i should ask jim. and maybe he'll say "IT'S UNEXPLAINABLE" at which point i will say "we haven't gone and done burnouts on country roads in like 6 years. what the hell happened to us?"
AND TWO BITS −
say what you will, but i think it's the perfect time for year end lists. and so... 1a. kill bill - so stupid in so many good ways. g-rate. 1b. lost in translation - i started this movie hating it and then there's those bits where bill murray and charlotte or whatever her name is go out on the town and the whole being exhausted but not going to bed because you're enjoying yourself and the people you are with way too much pretty much summed up my visit to japan. throw in some kevin shields and tokyo is beautiful in ways my bloody valentine albums are. this is so messed up and so perfect. 2a. gina - underappreciated. 2b. mom - amazingly generous and also underappreciated. 2c. kochi cho kitty cat- my baby 3. buying a house - if this was a big jump, it never felt like it. the whole arriving at the end of the month and going "oh i afforded to live another month" thing is interesting. my whole adult life has been like this. but there's more on the line now. I cannot wait to pay off my car, and then some loans, and hopefully sometime in the next two or so years i will never panic about running out of money. not that i do too much of that now. 4. USGP - formula 1 in my back yard. highlight of my year, every year. of course this year we were smart enough to go to the actual race. 5. work/boss - i think the fact that i could never complain pretty much says it all. 6. wrens meadowlands - (specifically the first half or so, more specifically "this boy is exhausted) this record is magic. depressing beautiful lyrics on top of music that forces you to wiggle in your car seat. my car seat. great stuff. 7. fat tire ale beer whatever - had this a while back with brent, didn't get it. james insisted on a trip back to st. louis for hockey and beer purchases. i get it now. suddenly i feel the urge to buy some every time i'm home. 8. radiohead hail to the thief - they're coming back around... 9. ellen alien (spelled that wrong) berlinette, four tet rounds, broken social scene you forgot it in people - in steady rotation. i don't have a favorite album this year. 9b. Outkast Speakerboxx/The Love Below - these led me to buy more hip/hop/rap/whatever albums... for the record, Stankonia is a better album. 9c. Jay-Z The black album - i like it 10. Friday night trip to Columbus - spur of the moment hockey roadtrip that led us to a very cool bar/fishmarket/arena district. i need to return on better weather. 11. debbie - how could i forget? emails like water from a fountain. 12. ikea - i don't want to see you ever again 13. nate's wedding - wha happen? 14. nfl sunday ticket - good purchase 15. webber bbq grill - eating will never be the same or as safe. i'm a dynamo. 16. new goals - return to japan, colorado, new york, vegas (and i'll get at least two of them out of the way in the coming year)... iceland (i think), a paid off car, hardwood flooring, the concrete house, the 911, more to accomplish 17. gucci pour homme - i smell like a spicy wooden box. and i like it. 18. the swiss army victronix (sp?) sweater, the ken cole shoes - proof that expensive clothes are money well spent if you like them enough. 19. everything i forgot and will remember later. 20. you awwwwwww that sums it up ok i think.
ALL IN A DREAM −
all in a dream. one of the greatest things about living in america is that you can drive your car on the interstate at speeds way above the speed limit. of course it's not legal, but you shouldn't let that stop you. the rush a person can get driving along at 115 speeding past folks doing 70 is one that you can't find anywhere but behind the wheel. zip by and look at the faces as they turn to see you. they seem to say 'what are you doing to me?' it's almost like you're driving by giving everyone an unsuspected wedgie. there are danger issues, of course, but no one ever had a book written about them by living safely. you are a renegade; no one can stop you. you rule the world when you're doing 115 in a 65 zone. there are people that would say that you're endangering the lives of the innocent but that's no reason to think twice. one should be so lucky to die in an exploding vehicle at 115. that's a way to go out. not on some bed in some hospital. i think if i have to go, and i'm getting quite old, i'll probably steal a ferrari and ramp it into a gasoline truck. THINK OF THE FIREBALL! i just hope i die instantly because i don't really want to burn to death. maybe i'll take some drugs first. i read a story in esquire about the 91 year old bank robber recently, and i don't blame him one bit.
McBride departs Crew as 7-time All-Star ESPN.com news services COLUMBUS, Ohio -- U.S. national team player Brian McBride signed with Fulham of England's Premier League on Tuesday after a career in which he was a mainstay of Major League Soccer. McBride, the Columbus Crew's all-time leading scorer and a seven-time MLS All-Star, also had been sought by another English club, Blackburn. McBride, 31, will earn an estimated $1.5 million a year, SportsTicker reported, a huge increase over the $341,250 he would have made this year from MLS. His signing was announced by the Crew and comes three days after the sale of top striker Louis Saha by Fulham to Manchester United on Friday for $19 million. It was widely reported last week that McBride would be sold to Blackburn, but Fulham swept in and topped Blackburn's $2 million offer to MLS, according to SportsTicker. The Crew will be allocated a player. "It's been a bit of a roller-coaster ride," McBride said at a news conference at Crew Stadium. "The Crew has always supported me, but we decided this was the right thing for me to do, and this team supported me. "Now we'll take the challenge head-on." Crew general manager Jim Smith stressed that the MLS did not take an active part in the negotiations. "This move is not forced down our throats," Smith said. "Not once during the process were we told by any MLS executive that we had to do this." The move takes McBride, who led the Crew last year in goals, to the sixth-ranked team in England, where he will join fellow national team member Carlos Bocanegra. McBride played on loan for Everton of the Premier League a year ago and also played for Preston North End of the English First Division in 2000 and 2001. He was with Vfl Wolfsburg of the German Second Division in 1994-95. McBride started all five games at the 2002 World Cup, scoring game-winning goals against Portugal and Mexico. Upon returning from South Korea, the city of Columbus declared July 1, 2002, "Brian McBride Day." McBride played in 137 MLS games during his first seven seasons, scoring 50 goals. In 2002, he led Columbus to the Open Cup. He played for the Crew since he was acquired with the No. 1 overall pick in MLS' inaugural draft in 1996. "He's had an unbelievable career in the U.S., and we're certain it's going to continue in clearly one of the finest leagues in the world," Crew coach Greg Andrulis said. ************************************************************************************ brian mcbride played his college soccer at St. Louis University back in about 92-94. John G and I would often go see him play. The guy was amazing. He'd get goals off headers than we probably like 20 feet above his head. not really 20 feet. anyway, that's cool. i like brian mcbride.
dream dream dream −
so last night i had a dream. i was in the second day of performing a play, where i had taken a role at the very last minute. I didn't recall how I had done in the first performance, but everyone assured me that I had done well, even though i didn't know any of my lines. I talked with my mom about quitting because I was worried about the second performance, but she told me i needed to finish what i had started. So even though I didn't know any lines, I went ahead with the second performance. The play was about a guy who wanted to buy an internet URL, but some evil company was keeping him from it, and he had finally gotten his URL, but he needed someone to make him a website or he'd lose his rights to the site. So he hired me. The thing was, I was a baby tiger. So anyway, we begin the second night of our performance, and it's at a baseball field, except the outfield sinks into the earth the farther out you go. But the outfield fences are level with home plate, so you've got this gigantic outfield fence. I'm in the play with Bob and David from Mr. Show, and Christopher Guest is directing. So as the first act starts, I decide that I need the play to be about a guy who's in a play about a baby tiger web designer that doesn't know the lines for it. I complete change the script and make the play all about me (the guy playing a baby tiger web designer who doesn't know his lines), and Bob and David go along with it, just to keep up appearances. About that time I woke up. Now I'm guessing I was a baby tiger because I read a Calvin and Hobbes comic last week where Calvin turns into a little Hobbes. The rest... I'm not so sure. in other news, you can either email me a suggestion for my review page or perhaps submit something directly on the page, if that works.
WHATEVER HAPPENED −
whatever happened to markat and davehuff? they used to occasionally post in their livejournals, but i'm guessing because they're all growd up now they're like "well livejournal is for pussies" and stuff like that, and then they go out and do burnouts in their expensiver than mine cars and they think they're so cool, but those guys, they don't know crap. if they're so cool then why are they married? yeah, that's what i thought. or maybe they're not both married, but markat is obviously going to marry chewbacca. or a snake. or chewbaccasnake. if chewbacca and a snake had a baby, i bet it would be a furry snake, not a scaley chewbacca. if i saw a furry snake i'd say "oh man, that is one furry snake" and then i'd take a picture of it and put it on my website and people would all be like "that's not a snake, you made that up" and i'd be like "dudes, you don't even know about furry snakes, that furry snake it the bomb" and people would be like "yeah, sure, that's a furry snake. YOU'RE a furry snake" and i'd be like "man, you don't even know, you fuckers." and then they'd be like "dude, we know" and i'd be like "nah" and they'd be like "oh yeah" and i'd be like "sure whatever" and they'd be like "ok" and then we'd hug.
jon, you were right −
i've got to get out of this house more and meet the interesting people. i've just got to figure out how to sell myself without talking. maybe i'll start a band of people that just want to make noises.
it's bring your kids to work day −
but i don't have any kids, so i brought a leftover sausage from last night. i made him a little chair out of post it notes and paperclips. so far i've shown him how to release print jobs out of the cue, but he got sausage juice all over my keyboard. but my boss was impressed and offered him a job. he starts monday.
you shoulda seen this stupid kid that rode his bike by my house last night. we've got pockets of trailerpark in my subdivision, and this kid is always hanging out at the house with the oil spots in the driveway. last week i tried to turn down my street and they had their truck parked in the middle of the road. they waved at me to turn around and go the other way. anyway... he's always just riding in the middle of the street, oblivious to anything. so he's riding by with a friend and he says "and i got so excited i popped a wheelie down the street. i can't do it now cuz it's only for the exciting stuff."
Brad Carlson −
Remember head of the class? you know there was a character on there named "jawarhalo", right? so one night i'm at a friend apartment complex, this dumpy place, and there's a guy out walking his dog or whatever, and i yell at him "hey jawarhalo!" anyway, a bit later the lady that runs the place comes out and says "who's calling my husband a butthole?" and i say "i called him jawarhalo." i don't think she understood. so she banned me from the apartment complex.
How it is possible that it's 1:19 pm and this is only my fifth cigarette?
got this good and fucked now −
colors and flowers. lost finger (as i remember it, which means it's highly unlikely that any of it is true): One evening, when i was young enough to have fingers the size of baby carrots (whatever age that may be), my aunt babysat me. In our house we had a wooden door that opened to a wooden stairway that ended in our old leaky concrete basement. The door what basically made out of two by fours, with a bit of panelling on the front of it to keep up appearances. Somehow I ended up playing near the door, and somehow I got my finger inside the doorway, and somehow the door got shut, and somehow I lost the end of a finger. that's how i rememeber it, anyway. i can stare at my fingers all day now and not notice anything odd at all. which makes me wonder if it ever happened at all.
I won the tour of france −
de. today is monday, which is my heavy biking day. but it's not that it's really any heavier than any other day. i'm currently up to 9 miles a day, which takes around 40-50 minutes... that's not really a fast pace by any means, but i read somewhere that more fat is burned at a slow pace. it's a slow and steady pace, constant pedalling. not entirely taxing after the burn is pushed out of my legs. i also read that if you get in one session of over an hour a week, that's good for some reason. so that's what today is. so i'm probably looking at about 10-11 miles, but it's not like i wouldn't have worked my way there later this week anyway. i started at like 4 miles and i thought it would kill me. this is completely uninteresting to everyone, isn't it?
BONE APETIT −
yeah, i know. a lunch of berry burst cheerios everyday is fantastic. addictive. well, back when i started my quest to be a skinnier mike (third person, an obvious indicator that i'm slowly turning into rickey henderson), i set a target weight of 180 lbs. my logic for doing so was that dave weighs 180 lbs, and he's a slender athletic looking gentleman. actually, i want to look like a soccer player who's name i forget right now (he's in some calvin klein underwear ads, actually. and he's quite handsome. i figured it could at least get his stomach), but that's going to take some weight room work. no problemo. now, having lost some 20-30 lbs (or more like 45 if you're counting from when i weighed my highest), i'm realizing that 180 was too modest a target. people at work often say "are you done losing weight yet?" but they havent' seen me with my shirt off. i mean, i've still got a lot of upper body weight that's fighting me the whole way. i want to look like one of those olsen twins, really. * * * * * i thought for sure that my last two posts would have generated some sort of comment/interest, but i guess not. i have no idea how to please an audience. all these things weigh heavily on my mind. late at night i sit around banging my head against the wall. not really.
brant/audra/nate/laurie paid us a visit this weekend. let's see... friday night we went to steak and shake, the only steak and shake i've ever visited with no smoking section. but it was alright. it was a late night voyage. we caught up. i drew faces on milkshakes. one of the was santa. one of them was saying "i'm a freakin' milkshake!" saturday we visited little shops in the broad ripple area of indianapolis. i had no idea they existed before. that was pretty cool. i need to get on that bike trail. after that we headed back home, then went and bought some lumber. brant made fish and chicken and corn on the grill. it was gooooood. we spoke with each other about our fathers. pretty much. then we were drunk and everyone ended up wearing hats. multiple hats. we played some game and gina and i were horrible. nate and laurie destroyed us all. sunday morning we watched f1 (when i was awake) and i questioned if i should keep waking up early to watch the same old crap. then nate and laurie left. then i burnt a bunch of cds for brant. he is now able to catch up. we played trivial pursuit, the daughters arrived, brant/audra left. gina cleaned house. i played video games. all was right with the world. hallelujah.
MIRACLE DIETS! −
i'm never losing weight again. when you start out and people say things like "how'd you do that?" and "you look good." and "blah blah blah" it's quite flattering. yesterday at work we had an employee appreciation day. as i stood in line for my hot dog/hamburger, an employee about my age said to me "be careful, you don't want to gain a pound" in a mocking tone. of course the person who made that comment is overweight. way overweight. and you can't imagine all the things that went through my head at that moment. none of them were nice. * * * * * other than that i've had to deal with contant questions about my diet, what i've been doing, etc. "yes, i eat cheerios for lunch every day." "9 miles on a bike everyday." "no i'm not really that careful about what i eat." "yes, you're disgustingly fat." scratch the last one. the thing is, this isn't making me a better person. it's making me more disgusted by the obese. well maybe not the obese, because i was in that class for a while. and that label is stupid anyway. but you know what i mean. people that obviously need to lose alot of weight. * * * * * the funny thing is that 9 times out of 10 the people that make the comments are the same people that you'll see eating shit all the time. or they're on a diet for 3 days and then it's back to burger king. i like burger king. i'll eat that crap food maybe once or twice a week. i eat pretty much what i want on weekends. i'm just not stupid about it anymore. * * * * * so what's the moral of the story? i've got 10 or 15 more pounds to go. i want to be rail thin. i want to be michael stipe. i want people to think i'm dying. no i don't. i want to be able to look in the mirror and not say "that definitely needs to go". i'm talking about my penis. no i'm not. * * * * * ok, i've had my penis removed. it's freeing really. you should try it. i keep it in a cup of water on the mantle. i show it to the neighborhood kids. door to door salesmen are often asked if they'd like a drink of water. when they reply yes, i hand them the cup. * * * * * so why am i doing all of this? i have no idea. there was the class reunion wakeup. but that wasn't it either. i don't know. you start doing something and then all of a sudden you're actually accomplishing something and it just makes sense to follow through. but at what point to i stop? i have no idea.
you know... −
at some point i changed up my lifestyle and eating habits and everything, and since that time, i've managed to completely hose myself financially. i don't know how it's possible. i used to eat out everyday. now i buy a box of cereal that lasts 3 to 4 days and costs $3. i guess i'm buying more at the grocery store for dinners. i'm not sure. all i know is that it's becoming harder and harder to save any money. i've been saving for my colorado vacation, and things were going well until this weekend when i had to dip into that account and now my savings are back to basically nothing. so how am i going to vacation? well, that month is a five paycheck month, so that'll help greatly. and i called mom and told her i may need (once again) a loan. so i'll owe her $300. which i can pay back. i've almost got my computer loan (one of two computer loans) paid off. how did i get so stupid with money? i so badly want my car paid off. and i could do those sort of things by making sacrafices in other areas of my life, but i'll be damned if i'm not going to travel as much as possible. it keeps me sane. * * * * * having said all that, i keep looking at cars. my current thinking is that when i pay off my current car (december 2005) i'll save money for a bit and buy an old used miata. and then i'm going to look into spec miata racing. because it's something i always wanted to do, and it's probably as affordable as racing a car can get. here's a link about that. i found some places in indy that help set up spec miatas. and there's a miata club in town. I COULD ACTUALLY MEET SOME PEOPLE! seems like the most financially smart thing to do. instead of buying a bmw. (that's all part of the plan where gina finishes school, takes over half of the bills, and suddenly i'm feeling rich and i buy some crazy expensive car and end up in the same hole i'm in right now). i should probably save for retirement some time. but what if i don't live that long? might as well have fun while you're alive. if i got anything from my dad dying at too early an age, it's that. though he wouldn't have seen it that way. i don't think. he'd tell me to save all my money. he'd tell me to buy a house and stop throwning money out the window. he'd tell me to buy shoes from walmart.
gina and i monica and i jason, mike, john class reunion has come and gone. i had quite a wonderful time, all aided by the use of alcohol. i was even social. great. ps. these are the first pictures i've ever seen of myself where i've said to myself "damn. i look skinny."
in speaking with jason this weekend, he informed me that often when reading this very journal he has no frame of reference. as you go along, and things don't make sense (for example, the phil collins explosion post that i just deleted), keep in mind that often i don't even know where i'm coming from. anything that flashes through my mind could end up here. and while it might not make any sense, it's probably a more accurate representation of how my head works. but anyway, i'm going to try to spell things out better from now on. * * * * * my 10 year class reunion deserves more attention, so i'm going to go that route now... i'm not a social person. well, scratch that... i can be, but my social circle is so small that i'm sure to the person that doesn't know me i come across as rude. or shy. but chances are that it seems more like rudeness, because i know how i think of people who act the way i do towards people. so after sitting in the same circles we always did at the reunion, i came to the realization that it's not because people are stuck up... it's because they're generally probably just uncomfortable around people they don't know. at least i'd like to think that's why things never seem to change. anyway, after everyone began drinking things worked out a little better. dave is good friends with cari, and she's been out and about with brent, and those guys are very close to me, so i suppose it would only be natural that i'd actually have a conversation with her. but it wasn't. but it happened anyway. and after sharing what may have been too much information (though i think i was ok), i realized that i'm gonna be ok. in fact, i'm going to be better than ok. all i need is a drink.
THIS POST −
this post, and the one below it, deserve your attention Why I didn't like Rob Hedrick (sp?) by mike Rob Hedrick's parents let him do whatever the hell he wanted. Rob Hedrick was a ball-hog on the soccer field. Rob Hedrick was slightly overweight, probably. Rob Hedrick lived in the subdivision with the people who had big houses and new cars. Rob Hedrick talked loudly, even as a child. Rob Hedrick was big enough to push almost anyone his age around. Rob Hedrick was probably smarter than me. Rob Hedrick never wore hand-me-downs. At least as far as I can tell. Rob Hedrick moved away, but not before Jim and I put a bunch of playboy magazines in his parents' mailbox. I'm not sure if we thought we could get him in trouble, but it made sense then. Things I remember about the Trenton Community Swimming Pool by mike The Trenton Community Swimming Pool sold frozen candy, including Chik-o-sticks. The Trenton Community Swimming Pool had two pools, the full size pool, and the baby pool. The baby pool was always warm. If you even wanted to pee yourself, you went to the baby pool. The Trenton Community Swimming Pool had older girl lifeguards that were probably friends with my cousins. They were also probably attractive. The Trenton Community Swimming Pool had a bike rack. Someone got a Huffy Sigma (with the while plastic wheel covers) and we were all jealous. The Trenton Community Swimming Pool had a maze of concrete blocks you had to navigate to reach the pool. The Trenton Community Swimming Pool had Jerry Wilson and this large retarded girl of possible malaysian descent. She looked like the tropical stay-puffed marshmallow girl. The Trenton Community Swimming Pool had a five foot deep section I once almost drowned in. Thoughts I had while frame surfing Chad Dieters expensive free-style bicycle by mike (if you don't know what I'm talking about, than you have no idea how cool i was) Holy Crap I'm cool. This hill is alot steeper than I remember it being. I wonder if Maggie or Barbie Weilmunster will see me surfing this bike in front of their house. I wonder if Rob Hedrick will see me surfing this bike in front of their house. I'm going too fast. I'm falling. Ouch. I hope Maggie or Barbie Weilmunster or Rob Hedrick didn't see me falling off this bike. I hope no one tells Chad Dieters that I just crashed his expensive bike.
hmm hmm hmm hmmmmmm hmmm −
when we dropped jason at the airport, i said "every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you" i had thought of it the night before, and i thought i was really clever for thinking of it, and turns out... none of the above. jason is obviously too cool for any of that, and he just gave me a look... two times on vacation i got that look. once for a joke in a restaurant that i don't remember, and the time i just mentioned. i sometimes recall my dad saying things that he thought were funny and everyone else just sorta went " ". hmm. * * * * * another thing... it's perfectly normal for a couple to spend five minutes sticking their tongues out at each other when they're both older than 25, right? what about spending entire days saying mean things to each other? what about if one of them hits the other one with a clothes hanger? (not in a violent way at all. and fyi, she did it to me. it stung.) what if they spend days at home together but in seperate rooms most of the day? what if he plans to do whatever he wants and then when his plans are finalized he says to her "i'm doing this" and she says "ok" and vice versa? what if? tell me what i'm doing right. or wrong, be it as it may. by the way Mark Brown is a big dumbhead. love, Mike
I liked dave's choose your own adventure post, so now i'm going to rip it off. ***here is goes**** so, you're like the coolest guy in the world. and in order to stay that way, you've got to keep up your cool. an opportunity to prove yourself comes up on a saturday night, when you are invited to a party at naomi campbell's house. the problem is that you've already got a date lined up with chaka khan. to go out with chaka, go to page 3. to go to naomi's party, go to page 5. page 1*** oh man, you dumbass. now you're gonna be sorry. that fat dude totally is eating your arm. page 2*** and you are now the smurf king. smurfet totally is into your balls. to let smurfet see your balls, goto page 4 to die, try slitting your wrists. longwise. not accross. page 3*** when you arrive at chaka's, you realize that she's totally overrated. and she's dumb. like you know how dumb mike tyson is? chaka's like mike tyson's retarded grandmother. and she's ugly. ugly like a fox. now she wants to go eat at some stupid cheeseburger joint. aren't you sorry? goto page 1 is you're not sorry goto page 2 is you are sorry page 4*** smurfet arrives at your ball emporium, and you take her to the baseball section. once inside she notices that you don't have any mlb regulation baseballs. she's very sad. to buy a mlb ball, goto mlbshop.com to kill smurfet for being an ungrateful little smurf, goto page 6 page 5*** so you're at naomi's party, and you find out she's dating some fat french guy named salvio briatorri. but he owns renault's formula one team, so you're ok with that. salvio invites you to drive one of his cars in the japanese grand prix, or you can eat a sandwich. to drive the f1 car, goto page 8 to eat a sandwich, goto page 7 page 6*** so you grab a spiky ball and throw it at smurfet, but she's also a ninja. and gargamel. so she swords your spiky ball in half and boils you until you turn into gold. this is the end of the story. smurfet is laughing at you and stealing your balls and you boil. page 7*** damn, that's a good sandwich. i wonder what's on it? to open the sandwich, goto page 9 to just eat the sandwich, goto page 10 page 8*** you dummy. driving an f1 car is hard. and now you know because you crashed it into michael schumachers car, killing you both. some people are kind of happy because they're tired of seeing michael schumacher win every race. but other people don't care because they have no idea what i'm talking about. the end. page 9*** BEES! THE SANDWICH IS FILLED WITH BEES! AND NOW THEY STING YOU TO DEATH. you shouldn't have opened that wonderful sandwich. way to go, dummy. page 10*** BEE! THE SANDWICH IS FILLED WITH JUST ONE BEE! salvio tells you after you compliment the sandwich. you say "my that's interesting." and he says "INTERESTING?!?! I'LL SHOW YOU INTERESTING!!!" then he exploded killing everyone within 200 miles. the end.
while in pittsburgh.. −
while in pittsburgh we visited the andy warhol museum. i guess the featured exhibition going on there currently is called "time capsules" and it's basically all these things that warhol pack-ratted and saved during his life. out of all this stuff (alot of it crap) the thing that i enjoyed the most was a small piece of silver paper with blue writing on it. at first if you just glanced at it the writing looked like tiny alien scrawlings written within a box, but upon further review it was a handwritten "i love you" over and over again. it looked like this. except harder to read. and much better. but here's the idea, anyway.
i quite liked it. −
so at the show, after the show, during the show, we went outside because we were... across the street was a church. i started to explain to gina how back in 81 i invented bungee jumping when they erected a tower on top the church steeple (so that i would not crash into the church) 10000 feet high. there was a hubcap laying on the sidewalk and i explained how as i bounced back from my descent i flung the hupcap into space. i then told the story of how i was given special shoes in order to walk up walls, so that i could run up the empire state building, jump into space, and recover the hubcap. but as i got halfway up the empire state building i ran into two sherpa monkeys and their donkey (because monkeys are small and only need one donkey between them). i set up camp with them and decided that i didn't need/didn't want the shoes. they wouldn't be useful/wouldn't work. so i created a tiny spaceship out of the monkey's nintendo. and i shrank myself. but then i needed money for the project. so i contacted the owner of the lock store (located just down the block) and explained my plight. he explained to me that the hubcap was actually his so he would be glad to sponsor me. having gained sponsorship, i flew my nintendo spaceship into space, but then realized my next problem: the hubcap was much bigger than my spaceship. so i cut off a tiny piece of the hubcap and returned to earth. i continued doing this until i had the entire hubcap. all of this was watched closely by the media and they dubbed my quest "the mission to recover the space hubcap" after reassembling the hubcap, i contacted the owner of the lock store, and he said "i sold the car. i don't need the hubcap." so the hubcap was left on the sidewalk in front of the shadow lounge as a reminder of my two great quests. it's probably still there. after telling gina the story ("it's all completely true" i said) i thought about sharing it with my new friends, but then decided i had better keep it to myself. you don't want to come across as odd. prior to all this, we were asked if we cared to contribute to the open mic poetry reading. of course we said no. but then i explained to gina that i only did not contribute because of my great skill, and the fact that the owner of the establishment wouldn't want me on the mic if he wished to keep the roof on the place. i explained how i had prepared a work comparing and contrasting cheeseburgers and conquistadors. when it was brought up that dj was lactose intollerant i said i could easily change it from cheeseburgers to hamburgers. or tofuburgers. whatever was necessary. in case you're wondering, the difference is that cheeseburgers don't shoot children in the face. i didn't share this with my hosts either. though one of them is almost surely going to read this... these are the things that gina and i share that no one else gets to see. i think it keeps her entertained. it keeps me entertained. it may very well be entertaining to everyone, for all i know, but you just can't out and say that kind of stuff to anyone. can you?
A dear jon letter −
Dear Jon, I know we are very far apart right now, and I know you are quite busy. But I feel disconnected moreso than I should. Maybe you've gotten over letting friends know what you're up to. Maybe you've decided that the internet is good for nothing but looking at pictures of naked women. Maybe you've lost an arm. Maybe you forgot how to type. Maybe you've been captured by pirates. Maybe you've become a hermit. Maybe you are in jail. Maybe you are selling yourself on the street. Maybe you've invented a time travel machine and are currently visiting 1993. Maybe you've become a father to a rabbit. Maybe you have amnesia. In any case, if you don't write it, I'll never know. You were the person who suggested I start keeping a livejournal. So I did. I guess I just assumed you'd do the same. You're breaking my heart. Mike
Dear Chicago.. −
Hello Chicago! How are you today? How's your baseball team? It's got to be hard for you right now. Here we are, another World Series about to start, and you're not in it. And what about this World Series? Cardinals verses Red Sox... Who do you root for? The Cardinals? You can't possibly root for the Cardinals, can you? But if you root for the Red Sox, and they actually win the thing, it's you alone, out there without a World Championship for god knows how many years. So what do you do? Turn off the TV and pretend this isn't happening? Root for the Sox and prepare to take your place as King Loser? If I were you, I'd look southwest, say a little prayer, and ask for a temporary membership to Cardinal Nation. We'll be glad to have you. Thanks Chicago. You've almost made this a no-lose situation.
i think it's common among people i grew up with to take insult when they hear people say things like "i grew up in a small town" when talking about a town with 25,000 people. you don't know small. going back home this weekend, i took a walk around town. and when i say "a walk around town", i really do mean "around town". it took all of an hour, if that long. something about trenton is always trenton. and it will be until the day i'm buried in the same cemetary as my parents. after you get off highway 50, nothing changes. as i took the tour, i realized i had been inside a house on every street i walked. and with every house comes a story. it may not be the most interesting story. it may be a short description of the occupants. but i've got one for almost every street in town. so with that in mind, i'm thinking perhaps i'll start a project for myself. first i'll pick a street, and then i'll walk down it, in my mind, and revisit all those old houses, and pass the story along. the important thing is that i don't use full names, because maybe some of the people don't want to share. and maybe my stories won't be completely true... it'll just be the way i remember them. so i think that's my next project. a story full of characters, tiny plots, no climax, no resolution. is anyone interested? −
man sometimes you just gotta listen to les savy fav and say "oh man i'm the hippest if i were any hipper i'd be like lenny kravitz" i fucking hate lenny kravitz. here's a list of people i hate: lenny kravitz dick cheaney that's all i can think of right now. everyone knows that dick cheaney is evil. even people that voted for him. george bush... you could kinda go "well maybe he's misguided" but dick cheaney is like "seriously though i bet that guy would smash a baby for a dollar" and then lenny kravitz is like "i cut my hair! look at me!" i saw lenny kravitz in concert once. he was all like rockin' out. i mean, get over yourself. oasis (who i like) are also guilty of this but with oasis it's like "dude, you aren't selling any albums and you've sucked for like three records now" so you just sort of laugh it off and think about how good a song "slide away" is... but with lenny kravitz it's like "people actually think you're cool and i guess that makes you cool but i saw you on a show on the bbc and you were so obviously not playing that keyboard, you fucking douche."