Explanation: When I was a high school senior, I took a speech class that required that we get together in groups and shoot a movie. My friends and I took the opportunity to film our own version of an episode of the Dukes of Hazard. It is now available in DVD form, if you're interested.
Back on my old site I one day decided to write a new version of the script. Then I got bored...
The Dukes of Hazard (a remix of a highschool project): By Mike
PRIMARY CAST OF CHARACTERS:
Matt Miller - Luke Duke
John Garrett - Bo Duke
Brent Maue - Uncle Jesse
James Brown (no, not that James Brown) - Roscoe
Mike - Boss Hog
I can't remember who else was actually involved. This is a remix, anyway.
ADDITIONAL CHARACTERS:
Overweight Robot - Nate Book
Slim Robot - Dave Youngman
Mysterious Stranger - Mark Brown
Mysterious Stranger's Companion - Dave Huffman
I believe that's the whole cast of the original film, minus Buddy Stumph, whose roll has been filled by Mark Brown.
SCENE ONE:
SETTING:
We pan across a rolling desert. There are miles upon miles of dunes, and not a tree in sight. Think of Star Wars IV, A New Hope.
The camera scans the dunes until we see two robots standing atop a dune.
Slim Robot: I hate myself and want to die. If only I had some sort of weapon.
Overweight Robot: I just happen to have a baseball bat. Beep Beep. Boop.
Slim Robot: I don't think that will work. Let's keep walking.
THEY SEE A SIGN THAT READS "HAZARD - 2 MILES"
Slim Robot: Say, I think that's where we want to go.
Overweight Robot: It's about fucking time. Boop.
Slim Robot: What's the chance this is going to be funny?
Overweight Robot: Slim, slim. Beep beep BOOP! BEEP! Boop.
CLOSE SCENE
SCENE TWO:
SETTING:
We are now in a bustling city. People are selling things in the street. Dirty children are running everywhere.
Mysterious Stranger: Sure are alot of dirty children running everywhere.
Mysterious Stranger's Companion: Hey look! A fat robot!
Mysterious Stranger: And a slim robot. Kinda like Star Wars.
Mysterious Stranger's Companion: RAAAAAWR!
Mysterious Stranger: Nice Chewbacca.
Mysterious Stranger: Thanks.
CLOSE SCENE
SCENE THREE:
SETTING:
We are on the Duke Farm, but for the first time we realize that it's far into the future. Uncle Jessies' house is made of shiny metal.
Uncle Jessie: Say you two idiots... I can't believe your parents just dumped you on me like this.
Luke Duke: Mom and dad have been dead for years. I can't believe the global AIDS epidemic has had such a profound effect on our lives.
Bo Duke: Yeah, they never should have gone swimming in that pool of blood, what with their open sores and such.
Luke: But that sure has taught me a lesson; cover your open sores.
Uncle Jessie: Anyway, Boss Hogg was by the farm today and he said we've got to come up with $10,000 to pay back taxes or we're going to lose the farm to two mysterious strangers. They might even be gay guys.
Luke: You mean like queers?
Bo: We're they cute?
Uncle Jessie: How the hell should I know? I didn't see them. Sounds pretty mysterious, don't it?
Luke: VERY MYSTERIOUS.
LUKE GAZES THROUGH THE SKYLIGHT TO THE SUN. HE STARES AT IT FOR WHAT SEEMS LIKE HOURS.
Bo: I wonder if they're cute.
Uncle Jessie: I'm sure they're cute, Bo. Anyway, we need to come up with ten grand quick.
Luke: I've got an idea.
HE RETURNS TO GAZING AT THE SUN.
Bo: You hear that Jessie? He's got an idea!
Jessie: Let's hear your idea.
Luke: Well..
LUKE BEGINS TO LOOK AROUND THE ROOM. HE PUTS HIS HAND IN FRONT OF HIS FACE. HE CANNOT SEE.
Luke: I'M BLIND!
Bo: Liar.
Luke: I'M BLIND!
Bo: We'll see about that.
BO GIVES LUKE A WET WILLIE.
Luke: What was that?
Bo: I guess you are blind.
CLOSE SCENE
SCENE FOUR:
SETTING:
We are on the edge of town; the two robots are hiding behind a building. Someone is shooting at them.
Overweight Robot: This sure is a strange twist of events!
Slim Robot: Yeah.
THE CAMERA PANS BACK TO REVEAL BO SHOOTING AT BOSS HOGG, ROSCOE, AND THE TWO MYSTERIOUS STRANGERS AND THE ROBOTS. LUKE IS WALKING AROUND AIMLESSLY.
Luke: I've been hit!
LUKE FALLS TO THE GROUND, BLEEDING.
Bo: You motherfuckers shot my blind brother! I'm never going to forget this!
Mysterious Stranger: Like it matters anyway. Nobody cares about cripples.
Roscoe: Coo coo (or whatever Roscoe says).
Boss Hogg: Well I guess we've learned an important lesson. Haven't we?
BO SHOOTS BOSS HOGG IN THE FACE.
Mysterious Stranger's Companion: Nice shot.
Bo: Thanks.
AN EXPLOSION KILLS THEM ALL, EXCEPT THE OVERWEIGHT ROBOT.
Overweight Robot: Beep beep. (Now sadder) Boop. (Even sadder) Beeeeep.
CLOSE SCENE. ROLL CREDITS.
4 comments:
What. The. Fuck?
Seriously, we need to look at reducing the amount of beer your consume, because it appears to be affecting you.
Oh. My. Gah.
You have entirely too much free time on your hands.
I'm impressed that you chose to share something from H.S. I gaurd my H.S. secrets like a fat man over fries.
I think it's brilliant, actually.
It is brilliant.
In light of recent years' A-team discussion, an ending with Mr T causing that explosion may be appropriate. Then again, I'm not sure that script could be improved.
I'd increase consumption. If I remember correctly, this was before "HBG Mike".
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