my new favorite german

There was a time in my life when rock and roll meant everything, and I lived and died by the code established by awesomely rockin' bands like Skid Row and Testament. Those days are long gone (he said, with a tear in his eye), but I still hate the fucking Scorpions.

Maybe it was The 1989 Moscow Music Peace Festival. A bunch of bands went over to Russia, put on a big show, and the footage must have been on MTV, or else I don't know how I'd know about it. And there, in the middle of it all, changing the world with a whistling little ditty, were the Scorpions. And the worst song ever, Winds of Change.

Anyway, today's new favorite german is Scorpions lead singer Klaus Meine. Why? Because I'm hoping for some sort of reverse mojo. I'm hoping that perhaps I can make his head explode. All through the power of love.

We'll see how it goes.

So perhaps tomorrow you'll open up CNN.com and see the headline "Scorps singer's head explodes!!!". And then you'll think "thank you, Mike". And all will be right with the world again.

my new favorite german

Scorned by the whole Jurgen Klinsmann thing, it's taken me a while to get back to loving Germans the way I should; I've had my lederhosen stored away until just last night, when Gina and I got them out for an impromptu photo shoot. You've never seen asslesss lederhosen look sexier on a man. Stay tuned for those pictures.

This time spent away from the Germans got me to thinking, and one of the most striking thoughts I've had is "Gosh, I'm glad I don't have tuberculosis!" Then I realized that I really have no idea what tuberculosis really is. Other than a disease. I'm not retarded. But one of the things you'll learn from this website is that I'm not very smart.

Realizing my tuberculosis ignorance, I got to work figuring out just what I didn't know. As it turns out, tuberculosis is a common and deadly infectious disease caused by the mycobacterium Mycobacterium tuberculosis or Mycobacterium bovis, which most commonly affects the lungs (pulmonary TB) but can also affect the central nervous system, lymphatic system, circulatory system, genitourinary system, bones and joints.*

"DUH", I thought to myself.

But I still didn't know how or why I didn't have tuberculosis. That's when I learned about Robert Koch, my new favorite German.

You see, Robert Koch was a German bacteriologist who won the 1905 Nobel Prize. Perhaps you knew that already, but did you know that 1905 was the year that the Nobel Prize went for the study of Tuberculosis? Robert Koch sure did.

Most people don't realize that the Nobel Prize is given out for a different category every year. For example, the 2007 Nobel Prize will be given for study in the field of the Plague. Unforunately the categories were determined a very long time ago.

Robert Koch's mother didn't raise no fool - Robert (or "Obe", as his friends called him) realized the incredible monitary gains that could be made through Nobel Prize winning - not to mention the incredible amount of tail. So he bacteria'd it up until the prize was his - a truly awesome accomplishment.

So next time you get tuberculosis, think of Obe Koch. He was thinking of you. Sort of.

* * * * *

*thanks, wikipedia

my new favorite dead old german

I have been playing soccer for a large portion of my life, and in the past 15 years of that time, I have worn only one brand of soccer shoe. That brand is Adidas.

I do not wear the latest and greatest Adidas, of course. Given my choice in a money is no object situation, I'd still choose Adidas Sambas for indoor, and Adidas Copas for outdoor. And now it's time to pay tribute to the man who invented all shoes, Adolf (Adi) Dassler, who also happens to be My New Favorite German.

Adi Dassler was born in a small town outside of Berlin in 1641 to American and Japanese immigrant parents. Adi grew up without many material things, as his parents beet farm was not very successful.

One day while tending to the beet trees, Adi stubbed his toe on a root. Realizing this was a common problem for most beet farmers, he ran off to the local kangaroo tanner and bought seven pelts. He then invented the world's most famous soccer shoe, the Copa Mundial.

After inventing the Copa Mundial, Adi decided to name his new shoe company after his favorite poet, Luther Van Brigglesteinenson. The Lutvanbrigtenson Copa Mundial made it's debut and the 1643 Whatshouldwecallclothesforthefeet convention, where it was strongly outsold by a new invention called "toe socks". The convention was not without it's benefits, though, as it was determined by vote that clothes for the feet were to be called "shoes". The other choices were "Racooners" and "Television".

Adi was unfazed by his convention failure, and immediately went back to his farm to hang himself. After several failed attempts, he invented shoe laces.

Adi Dassler died the next day.